the view from her

Apparently, email and online dating are virtually irresistible to married people. If you always sort of thought that dating other people and being married were sort of mutually exclusive, well, silly you would be wrong.

Yesterday I wrote about receiving email from two men I dated many years ago, who wrote to "see how I was" and tell me about their very happy married lives and lovely wives and children. I suspected the typical mid-life wonderings about how life turned out for former girlfriends, and perhaps a little flirting with danger. Turns out, it's really the further unrestrained, objectifying sexualization of our culture. Boy, was I wrong.

The articles states, "The Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn't already." Much of the appeal for married people is "the anonymity it guarantees, coupled with the no-touching aspect, which they view as a license to be sexual." This strikes me as key. The thinking is that since there is not any physical touching, it's not really wrong. It's not really sex. This is parsing language into meaninglessness, along the lines of Bill Clinton's it depends on what your definition of "is" is. I think everyone recognizes the biggest sex organ both men and women have is their brain. So this modern form of infidelity becomes far more alarming and forboding for our culture.

"I'm not going to cheat," wrote one married man. "I'm just capturing back some of those butterflies we feel when we're young and start flirting and dating." Heaven forbid he just turn the computer off and take his wife out to dinner.

And yet, even in our modern, open-minded, sexually-unrestrained culture, "...most spouses feel as betrayed, angry and hurt by online infidelity as they would if skin-to-skin adultery had taken place..." The effects of even virtual sin are - not surprisingly - still very real.

A few months ago, out of the blue, I got an email from a former boyfriend. Herself, being of a certain age, will acknowledge only that dating of said boyfriend took place around 20 years ago. He wrote to see how I've been, isn't that nice? And to tell me about his lovely wife, how wonderful she was, to tell about his two children and describe their remarkable little personalities. He even attached a picture of his charming family.

Um...thanks? I politely emailed back the far more enthralling details of my life - divorce, no children, great job - complimented his personable children, and said hello to his lovely wife, suggesting he show her the email (since I'm just so darn friendly, but not so subtle about keeping things on the up-and-up).

Then just last week, I got an email from someone else I dated nearly...well, in that same timeframe is close enough. He's been married, lo, these many years, and has a wonderful son. Gee, that's great.

Does this strike anyone else as odd? I mean, maybe we've all secretly looked up former boy or girlfriends on the internet. But these guys actually wrote and clicked the "Send" button. And they are, accepting them at face value, happily married. I start out flattered and end up kind of annoyed.

I suspect it's a mid-life deal. As we approach mid-life, we all look back and wonder what might have happened had we made other choices, not walked away, turned right instead of left. We're curious about how other lives turned out - better or worse than ours? We remember when we were young and did crazy things, and maybe sending an email is a crazy thing. It's a harmless little fancy.

Or, maybe they really are genuinely interested in finding out about old college friends. I suppose it's even possible their writing is a tribute to relationships that ended well. The only other possible explanation is that, well...I am simply one of those unforgettable ex-girlfriends. She said, tossing her hair. At least, that's my harmless little fancy.

Here's one of the most malicious gift ideas I've seen in awhile. (HT: Impacted Wisdom Truth) Is it just me, or is there something wrong with this picture?

Since I greatly respect men in general, and am always interested in the stereotypes promoted between the sexes, I've developed a personal test for the humor validity in jokes, or funny emails like "The Ten Rules of Women." The rule is: See if it's as funny when applied to the opposite sex.

To imagine a man using a female form of this product would feel entirely different. In this case, the product would begin to have the rather alarming implication of celebrating violence against women. Not so funny. Actually...it's not really so very funny as it is.

I'm not sure exactly what's more disturbing: the concept itself, the idea it costs almost $100, or the fact that at the time I looked, it was out of stock.

Lest we fall behind in discovering the newest ways to find your most significant of all others, I bring you more information to assist in your search. And, let's face it, it's really not too early to start worrying about Black Tuesday.

If you're tired of the big city and are looking for greener acres, here's a new internet dating site where you can find yourself a farmer. A USA Today story says that "While city folk might think their dating scene is a minefield of complications, single farmers can beat their worst tale of woe. Try traveling 200 miles round-trip for a dance. Or breaking a date on account of a sick steer." (If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that one...)

From one of my earliest posts, a helpful suggestion for women from a writer friend of mine. At the very least, you'll be more prepared to meet someone from one of those internet dating services.

And in case you hadn't heard, Yahoo! Personals is starting a relationship with Starbucks. Register at this internet dating site and get a free $10 Starbucks gift card through Feb. 19. Plus, they'll helpfully provide a location finder for the nearest Starbucks, where presumably you could arrange for that first, short, non-commital, check 'em out meeting with an online match. And still have like $6 bucks left over to spend on Cinnamon Dolce Lattes.

I tend to think that like labor unions, feminists have simply outlived their usefulness. At one time, labor unions were great change agents in improving quality of life in the work place. Now, concerned primarily with money and power, they mostly just get in the way of any meaningful change.

Feminists seem a little bit like that to me these days. There are other reasons I think they're well on their way to making themselves irrelevant. But I thought Mike Adams summed them up pretty clearly. It's interesting to me that feminists tend to communicate emotionally, in shrillness, hysteria, and anger. These are all stereotypes that today's serious, professional business woman has spent years trying to overcome, thank you very much.

Yet because they are women, and I'm a woman, they insist they shriek for me. If I disagree, I just don't understand. As Ed Driscoll points out, they simply decide I don't know my own best interests, going so far as to suggest I might be "slightly mentally ill." (HT: Impacted Wisdom Truth for both links.)

For the record, I believe men and women are different (thank goodness!) but equal. So I continue to try to be a respectful, knowledgeable, proactive advocate for equality - yes, even in the church. I know we're equal because we were created that way - in the image of God created He them. God says for them to rule over the earth (Genesis 1:26-28). Men and women are co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:15-17). Because we are "clothed with Christ," there is "neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:26-29). And my favorite: because I have Jesus as a great high priest, I can boldly approach the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:14-16). It just doesn't make sense to construe female submission to male authority when I've already been invited directly into the throne room.

God designed men and women to complement each other. Both feminists and the church miss the importance of this. Feminists miss it because they irrationally insist we're exactly the same. The church misses it because while acknowledging differences, it simply excludes half of them. We insist on running the church with only half of the human qualities God created. And, much like labor unions, it makes the church appear irrelevant in today's culture.

The title refers to a post at Heart, Mind, Soul and Strength discussing Christian morality and promiscuity. The title, I think, speaks volumes. (HT: Best God Blogs) The post not only encourages singles trying to live a sexually pure life as they wait for marriage, but provides reasonable answers should you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to defend your beliefs on this issue.

I excerpt a bit to tempt you to read the whole thing.

"...Just as a financial planner would talk about self-discipline with money to deliberately plan for finances to last, so a Christian talks about self-discipline with sexuality to deliberately build a home and family that will last, a love and a trust that will last.
...Peoples' long-term happiness and health are tied closely to having a place where we belong. Promiscuity means not having a place to belong. It's sexual homelessness. It leaves you alienated and cynical. It makes you doubt you will ever find a place to call home. It leaves you less able to feel at home, to accept where you are, even if you should find someone you love deeply. It builds a habit of breaking off contact with other people when things become awkward or difficult; it stunts the skills you would need to sustain a lifelong love."

That's a solid explanation for abstinence. People living a promiscuous lifestyle would be hardpressed to defend their own behavior so well. I'm talking about average men and women - the kind you and I both have as friends and who may be believers - who seem helpless to control their sexual behavior, who still desperately cling to the goal of a permanent relationship "some day." This is a situation where we just can't have it both ways.

As Beverly Sills once said, "There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."

There were several articles I saw over the holidays that I didn't want to forget. I wanted to return to them, so you - as singles, or as men and women - wouldn't miss them. Get ready for a new perspective on dating, or at least how you think about the opposite sex.

This first one is for all you men. Carolyn at Solo Femininity has a great post about What God Says is Beautiful. She quotes extensively from the Rooftop Guys:"Guys, we live in a world that does not agree with God on what is precious and beautiful...God doesn't care about your subjective opinion of what is precious. He cares that you value what He values...The body of Christ is a place where women need to feel truly precious because they are ransomed by the blood of Christ, and because they have laid down the world's value system and are serving their Savior and loving their church with a gentle and quiet spirit. We ought to be quick to notice this. Women in the church ought to turn our heads when they are obeying God." (Come to think of it...ladies, we need to consider what God thinks is beautiful in a man, too.)

Both men and women are affected by the world's sexual emphasis on appearance. Men desire it, and women seek it so men will desire them. Men, you should be quick to notice a woman who's ignoring the world's values, because she is showing you her priorities. You could only hope to become one of them. Women, if you want to be treated as the precious, ransomed beauty you are, sexually revealing attire is not the way to get there.

It's hard to be in the world, but not of it, isn't it?

And for you women, think about All the Men You Don't Marry, also written by Carolyn McCulley. (What a talented Christian writer for singles!) She tells of a friend who "revealed to me my worldly way of thinking about single men. His question ultimately revealed that I was thinking of single men in three categories: Potentials, Just Buddies, and No Ways, with each meriting different treatment. That’s too many categories. There’s just one for believing single men: Brothers, and consequently they all deserve the same treatment." (Come to think of it, gentlemen, you should probably put aside your categories, too.)

One of the things I love about the internet is the way it creates communities among unknown individuals from around the world. 43 Things is a pretty cool community.

You list several things you'd like to do in your life: get married, write a book, lose weight, guest host SNL, swim with dolphins. You'll find many other people, possibly right in your own city, who have the same goals. You'll find people who have already accomplished a goal who share from that perspective - yes it was everything they dreamed, or no, it wasn't what they expected. People with the same goals tell about things they've tried that have helped. They encourage each other in the tough spots with shared experience.

And it seems to me encouragement is one of those things you can never have enough of.

I know, the title is a little misleading since we recognize that in most evangelical churches the words "singles in leadership" are a bit of an oxymoron. But the body of Christ is made up of a wide variety of people in an entire spectrum of life, looking for leaders they can connect with, who can help them find their way.

If you haven't been over to Cerulean Sanctum lately, Dan has been writing some very thought-provoking posts that itemize 21 Steps to a 21st Century Church. I've linked to Part 1 of a multi-part series. It is well worth reading them all. Step 19 of Part 1 is particularly relevant to our ongoing discussion of singles in the church.

"19. Leaders should primarily come from within a congregation, not from the outside...The surest way to take the pulse of a church's effectiveness is how many of the pastoral staff came from within the congregation from one generation to the next. Hiring all your pastors and leaders from outside? Then the answer is clear: your programs stink. The chilling truth is that too many churches have to hire from the outside. Any church that does so is a failure from a discipleship standpoint."

If a church has a vibrant, knowledgeable, spiritually growing singles group, it follows that a great leader might in fact come from this very group. Except...in most churches it seems anyone can be put in charge of singles, with the key requirement being that he is married. What does that say - that marriage is more important than discipleship? Dan sums it up, saying that leaders from within a church grow from "genuinely earned positions based on maturity developed within that same congregation." They might also come from within their own ministry. And they might even be single.

The movie "Brokeback Mountain" has been the focus of some controversy, and most recently won Golden Globe awards in top categories.

I hadn't thought to comment on it until I came across Relevant Magazine's article titled, "Finding God on Brokeback Mountain." The article begins, "Please do not boil this movie down to homosexuality. Please do not pass judgment without even seeing it. See the fact that there are great performances. See the gift of storytelling. View the beauty of God’s creation. Relate to people who have lives that are complicated. Remember that God’s love is far greater than any of us deserve."

To this I say "Amen." I've discussed before the idea that Christians are too often quick to dismiss and slow to understand. I am a firm believer that we can both find and celebrate deeply spiritual themes in "secular" works. However I disagree with the remainder of the article (which contains some very flawed thinking). I think we can pass judgement without seeing this movie, and here's why.

The most ingenious marketing strategy ever invented is just three little words: For Mature Audiences. This immediately diffuses the right or wrong morality issues, and makes it all about being grown up. We all want to be considered mature. As Christians, we begin to believe we can watch movies about casual sex or infidelity from a "mature perspective." Do we really think we can repeatedly ingest these images and emotions and not be affected?

There's an old children's Sunday School chorus that says, "Be careful little eyes what you see." As Christians we have a responsibility to consider what we take in. It seems to me the Bible is very clear on this point. "The eye is the lamp of the body" (Matthew 6:22). "Above all else, guard your heart" (Proverbs 4:23). "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world" (Romans 12:2). And "Everything is permissible for me (because I'm mature!) but not everything is beneficial" (1 Corinthians 6:12).

So back to Brokeback Mountain. Perhaps we shouldn't judge its content without seeing it. But we can use good judgement to determine that viewing the images it portrays would not be beneficial to us. That, I think, is mature.

As singles, I believe the most important strategy we have in managing the desire for sex is managing what we put in our minds. Living a life of purity is even harder if you fill your mind with images of seduction. The devil goes around as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. The first line of defense is simply to stop feeding him.

If you're a reader like me, it's around this time of January that you start casting about for a new book to sink your teeth into. I have a couple of suggestions, particularly for we single, female readers.

As I've recently discussed being content as a single, Best of the God Blogs caught my eye with a link to Common Grounds Online where Connally Gilliam shares excerpts from her book Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect. Connally has a casual writing style, and shares a hilarious account of being the only single in the room at midnight on New Year's Eve at a party of couples.

Solo Femininity writes a review of Twelve Extraordinary Women, by John MacArthur. The book looks at the lives of twelve women in the Bible, and Carolyn finds encouragement for single women specifically. "Many of these women were single when they had their first tests of faith (Rahab, Ruth, Mary) and then went on to marry. Other women were single for a long time after marriage (Anna) or were currently unmarried, though with a promiscuous background (the Samaritan Woman). Others appeared to remain single--at least throughout recorded Scripture (Martha and Mary, Mary Magdalene, Lydia). Isn't this a lot like the wide variety of single adults in our own churches?"

I'm adding both books to my own reading list for this year. Right now I'm in the middle of God's Secretaries: the Making of the King James Bible. It's a really interesting and informative look at the history, people and culture that gave us the most enduring and influential translation of the Bible.

The Testosterone levels at my house are up 100% today. No, nothing sensational or illicit going on here, just the average heartbreak of life on this earth. My nephew, recently returned from Iraq, is moving in to my guest room temporarily. He is at the beginning of a divorce, after just a few years of marriage.

He is young, but mature. He accepts appropriate responsibility and tries not to blame. He wrestles with an avalanche of emotions, by turns sad and then angry, finally landing on frustration as he sorts through photos, which to keep, which to leave. I resist giving advice, or criticizing his wife (a herculean effort on my part). I affirm him for being gracious, for trying to do the right thing.

This is a lonely road to walk, as I, and many of you, know too well. On his behalf I beg simply for grace and love from the One who is both. And I ask for wisdom, how best to help, to encourage. I cling to the thought that though people on earth may disappoint or hurt us terribly, faithfulness is God's very character (Psalm 89:8 NLT). He is a Father, a Defender, and sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68:5-6). We are family, my nephew and I.

On a lighter note, though I'm fairly proud of the fact that the guest room closet now includes desert camouflage, I'm just a bit concerned that I may have to start cooking.

Who says bloggers are isolated and anti-social?
It's just not true. As you can see, Solo Femininity's Carolyn McCulley and myself both came out from behind our computers to have dinner in person last night. Carolyn actually came all the way out from the East coast - though not just to have dinner. She's in Southern California for the Resolved Conference and suggested we arrange to meet.

What a wonderful, fun, smart, energetic, humble, beautiful woman of God. These are all qualities that came through clearly in our conversation. Some highlights from our discussion:

Is blogging effective from a marketing perspective? Is its effectiveness measureable?

We talked about the future of news and the blogosphere. Carolyn thinks newspapers will have to reposition themselves in niche news markets. (There's sure to be more blogging on this later!)

We talked about blogging, the time investment, the writing discipline. Mine, as I told her, is pretty much whatever I'm interested in whenever I get around to it. Carolyn's writing is most often in reply to questions she receives in her ministry. In fact, she apparently has a history of answering reader questions - going back to something called "Dear Miss Peppermint Patty." (Carolyn, I hope I remembered that correctly!)

We got to know each other, told a bit about our life stories. And for two single, female, Christ-following writers from opposite sides of the country, the blogosphere became very small and personal.

I receive the New York Times headlines via email every day. As you know, I'm not a political blogger, but... I did think the Monday, January 9, Op-Ed Headlines were kind of funny. If you look at the picture, you can't help but wonder how we pajama-clad spoiled, undisciplined, caffeinated adolescents bereft of adult supervision dare accuse the real news reporters of all thinking alike.

I don't know...where would we get that idea?



You had to click through to one of the articles to read the fine print: "Six legal minds contribute five questions they would ask..." Still, you gotta love the visual.

These are two words you rarely hear together in the same sentence. I'm convinced there are not many people single or married on earth who could look at their lives and declare themselves satisfied. Such is our innate longing always for something more. However, over tacos on Sunday evening, the Divine Miss M made the following statement: "I think I'm okay being single...as long as you all stay around."

She is realizing that she lives a single life that is good. Since unfortunately you will rarely hear an affirmation from your church, or your pastor, or even your friends about how you live your life, today I'm affirming my friends, and many of you, for living good, single lives. My friends live wholesome, modest, moral lives in secular jobs, do it with grace and humor, and do it even though no one at church would ever know otherwise. They are generous - always bringing wine or making dessert or throwing a party or offering to drive. I know they give to our church, and most of them sponsor a World Vision child. They are also generous with their time - they all volunteer in some capacity. They listen, praise, comfort, pray for and encourage each other. And, we go out to dinner...a lot...and travel and go to the spa. Frankly, that's just one of the perks of being solely responsible for one's discretionary income, and we take full advantage.

If your Sunday paper carries Parade Magazine, you may have noticed the "Single...and Satisfied" blurb under the Intelligence Report. Stephen Pollan, author of a new book called, It's All in Your Head: Thinking Your Way to Happiness, believes that many people seem to actually be content with single life. Some of his tips for single satisfaction: Embrace your freedom. Try something new every week. Join in with friends - even couples - three isn't necessarily a crowd. Realize there's nothing you can't do single that you could do married. (Well... as an Evangelical I'll give them that one. But I'm convinced that if society showed any measure of respect at all for sex, it wouldn't be such a big deal for us.)

If you're single and longing to be married, that's okay too. God sort of put that in our hearts way back in Eden. But if this is the life He has given you today, don't waste it waiting for the life you don't have. Live it. Enjoy it. Take every advantage of it. It can be a very good - and satisfying - life.