thankful for the unknown

It’s Thanksgiving week, so I figured this would be a good time to write an update on my unemployed life. Actually, that’s not true. I’ve been thinking about writing an update for some time, but putting it off. Because frankly, it turns out I’ve just been a spectacular failure at this faith stuff.

You know I used to read Exodus, and try to figure how the heck the Israelites could repeatedly “forget” the incredible things God did for them. I mean, a pillar of fire… are you kidding me? They blow that off to complain about the food. And though it pains me to say it - I now understand I am exactly like that. I’ve been asking God to show me what he wants me to learn about myself during this time. He apparently wants me to see how unbelievably selfish I am. I retaliate by getting angry at him for not fixing things by now. He’s showing me how deeply attached I am to my material belongings. I doubt that he really cares.

And yet, I’ve been getting some unemployment, doing freelance writing, and paying my bills. The hardest month was October, but I was thankful I had savings to help make ends meet. I had no idea how I would make my house payment for November, but enough checks came in time to cover it.

My prayer of late is simply to get to wherever it is he wants me to be. A couple of months ago I wrote about the daily drama, and being a little fearful about God’s fondness for last-minute rescues. I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not a rescue. Maybe it’s a journey to a completely different thing. This is both frightening, and strangely freeing. I am letting go of my old life.

So here’s the latest. After neglecting to tithe on the money I’d received at the end of October, I mailed a check last Monday, with serious stress pains in my chest. And on Friday, I received a call from a new potential client, referred by a friend, about a freelance project. I know that doesn’t surprise you. It really didn’t surprise me either - I’d just forgotten. Again.

I also interviewed at a local department store for temporary holiday sales. It’ll be fun to be in the Christmas frenzy, and provide a “base income” slightly higher than unemployment. And I was offered a position in… men’s shoes. What? I’m sorry, but euw. (Manna? Again?) But I said, “Well, tell me about it.” And she explained while it was temporary through January, that because it was taking the place of a full-time employee this particular position would also pay commission. I accepted, and grinned all the way home.

I have no idea what’s ahead, but this week I’m remembering.